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Not really sure what to do with this thing now, since it was… - suumr [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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[Jun. 8th, 2005|12:14 am]
[music |Led Zeppelin - Friends]

Not really sure what to do with this thing now, since it was because of Tina that I started the livejournal thing. She's blocked me from ICQ and AIM and all that, and supposedly won't be looking at this entry, but I kind of hope she does. The reason I hope she does is because I am, as she describes, a coldhearted prick, which means I have to at least try to get the last word in (a pleasure she deprived me of in private, where I'd have preferred it remain, by blocking me after I'd gone away to eat dinner). However, I am not a spiteful prick, just a bit of a jerk sometimes, so I can't resort to making a fake LJ account or something gay like that.

So, here we are.

I'm sorry things happened the way they did. See? An apology, and it's not even the first. Neither was the apology I gave her earlier tonight before being blacklisted the first. Thanks for the acknowledgment.

All I really wanted to do was have a good time with someone else who was also, hopefully, having a good time. Unfortunately, it became clear recently that our ideas of that were drastically different. I was content with sometimes letting the relationship maintain itself since I trusted her and we had the difficulty of distance and busy schedules. What happened was that she saw this as neglect on my part, and I just thought of it as a setback, just a little more time until the next time we could visit.

Honestly, there was never really a time that I didn't want to see Tina, but the way that I coped with being alone and away from her versus the way she coped were totally different. I guess she saw it as me "slacking off" with my "share" of the relationship "duties." When I was confronted about this, (and boy, was I ever confronted about it) I tended to blow off her concerns. I probably did this because her primary complaint was that I didn't love her anymore, which was simply never true. I told her it wasn't true. It still isn't true. I love her.

I just don't agree with her.

So, what I did tonight, what I said, was hurtful and callous. I'm sorry for hurting her, but I can't really say I'd have done it much differently if these last couple years were thrust upon me again. This was bound to happen due to the differences in our personalities, ways of thinking and everything else. I mean, what the shit, I saw her twice in the week before I left. I call her on the phone -- probably not enough, but I do -- to hear her voice and let her hear mine. Then I'm ready to drive up to see her the day after I get back home from Europe. And there's the concert we were all ready to go to later this month. But like a broken record, she's saying that I ignore her, I neglect her, I don't care about her or love her, she can do better than me. Sweet.

What really bothers me is that she speaks as though I permanently damaged her, I used her, I was mean and purposefully abusive to her, I singlehandedly destroyed the relationship. What is that, some kind of defense mechanism? Turn Craig into a monster asshole before splitting up with him so it'll be easier? All this from the beautiful girl who was crying and telling me she'll miss me and she loves me two weeks ago outside the airport security gate.

The fact that she chooses to blatantly lie about items in our conversation on her livejournal irritates me only slightly more than the fact that she chose to write them there at all. Not that I really gave a shit what her cuntlicking audience ever thought... it's her words.

My curiosity for this aforementioned "best and worst day" of her life, (yes, I am fucking paying attention) what she called "a lot of terrible things" that happened while I was away, still sort of gnaw at me. But that's between her and I. Or just her, if she stays her course. Whatever.

In any case, take care.